Do We Climax Together or Alone?
The moment of climax is paradoxical in some ways. Think of the physiology of it. A husband typically arches his back, pulling him AWAY from his wife at this moment of greatest union – though, at the same time, with his thrusts he is reaching as deeply into her with his penis as he can (without hurting her), seeking her greatest depths. (Wanting to reach deep into her is one reason he’s arching his back.)
And I think it is common for a husband (like his wife, as well) to close his eyes as he climaxes, because the intensity of the moment may be diminished if he keeps them open, because seeing something, anything, detracts from the total focus on, total absorption in, the overpowering, intense pleasure of that moment – though, in the moments just before orgasm, the sight of his wife overcome, entirely caught up in, absorbed in, transfixed by the pleasure he is bestowing on her is often a key element of the culminating stimulus to his own climax, pushing him over the edge into orgasm.
This closing of the eyes (to keep out distractions?) raises an interesting question: is the experience of sexual climax an experience in which a person is “alone”? For the moment, I am not discussing the question of simultaneous climaxing of husband and wife (see above) -- I am focusing now on the psychological experience of orgasm.
Of course, a husband is not literally alone, as he climaxes in his wife. But is he, in a sense, psychologically alone in that moment of intense pleasure – completely absorbed in his own self, his own feelings? And does this in some way undermine the unity of the couple at this moment? Is it a moment that is unavoidably selfish? Is there a paradox that in this physical unity the moment of climax is itself an experience of aloneness or isolation as one is caught up completely in one's own pleasure? I think that it can be that way, very easily. In the actual moment of climax, one way to experience sexual climax is total absorption in one’s own pleasure: one reacts to the experience with “I . . . feeeeeeel . . . soooooooooooooooo . . . gooooooood!"
One sexpert says this: "Having an orgasm is a selfish experience: you’re totally and utterly fixated on your own pleasure. Having to pay attention to your partner’s bits to guarantee they’re enjoying themselves at exactly the same moment doesn’t enhance the experience, it interferes with it."
But I don't think it has to be that way.
The last moments before climax can also be a moment in which a husband can unite with his wife in more than a physical way. He can tell his wife, urgently, as he reaches the point of no return, "I'mmm commmming, my love" -- letting her know that he is entering the indescribable moment, one that she has been, is, or will likely be experiencing too, and in this way recognizing his debt to her for having brought him to this moment. In one sense, at least, it can be equivalent to: "I am coming . . . to YOU, and I want you to know the delight you have been the cause of." The words spoken just before orgasm can be a conscious stimulus to both self and spouse to enter into the transcendence of the approaching moment.
So the moment of climax, in which it seems that he is totally absorbed in his own intense and overpowering pleasure, doesn’t have to be a moment of total absorption in himself. Whether it is depends on his whole stance on, his attitude toward, life -- his understanding of reality – his "default" horizon or world.
Moreover, there is another way to get out of oneself even at this moment of powerful pleasure -- finding God in the Marital Climax.